to all the parasocial relationships I've loved before
a defense of these controversial connections and how they saved my life
From the time I could walk, I was obsessed with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
And I don’t mean in the way that every other millennial woman proclaims to love our favorite twins (sorry, I love to gatekeep!). When I say obsessed, I mean…
It all started with Full House, a favorite show that I’ve seen dozens of times over. That escalated to collecting every direct-to-video episode or movie they put out; frequenting their Walmart clothing and makeup line for powder blue eyeshadow and clear lip gloss; memorizing the Burbank, California fan club address at the beginning of every video until I saved up enough money to join; getting my hands on every edition of their short-lived magazine (real books for real girls! IYKYK); and following them to Two of a Kind and So Little Time; etc.
I can even tell you which one of them is onscreen from ages 2 and up (the only real talent I’ll ever have, probably).
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As an only child to a single mother and no family close in age, I daydreamed often of being best friends with Ashley and MK—despite the fact that I was closer in age to Lizzie (AKA Elizabeth Olsen of WandaVision + indie movie acclaim), their little sister they often pretended to be so put out by whenever she’d make a cameo in one of their videos.
I’d watch Sail with the Stars advertisements with wide eyes, hoping that someday I’d get my chance to go on a Caribbean cruise with my favorites, and they’d become the sisters I never had.
While I never made my Sail with the Stars dreams a reality, I did eventually meet Ashley and Mary-Kate—when I was a senior in high school, they released a coffee table book that included a book signing promotions in New York City. A close friend/fellow MKA stan convinced her aunt and uncle to take us, so we ditched school for a day and braved the pouring Manhattan rain for a glimpse of our twins.
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While it was, without a doubt, one of the most disappointing experiences of my life (through very little fault of the two of them, they were perfectly nice and notoriously shy), I still consider myself a big fan and love the little insights we get into their lives now as designers.
I learned much later in life that my obsession with the two of them had a name: a parasocial relationship.
A parasocial relationship is “a one-sided relationship where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence.”
Mary-Kate and Ashley were my first, but they would certainly not be my last.
There’s a cultural discourse about parasocial relationships that creeps up every so often, more now that we have such unfettered access to celebrities via social media. It tends to be discussed negatively, almost always on the heels of fans acting particularly unruly and out of line.
An example that immediately comes to mind are mega-fans of Taylor Swift—AKA Swifties—some of whom have been known to dox and harass anyone they believe to have wronged Taylor, whether that’s a former rumored boyfriend or a fan simply interpreting her work through a queer lens.
As if Taylor isn’t a 34-year-old white billionaire perfectly capable of taking care of herself.
These examples are evidence that parasocial relationships sometimes go too far—that they deserve to be critiqued, even—but the conversation around them is often misogynistic in nature and goes hand-in-hand with the problematic ways we talk about fandom.
Fandom is depicted as an obsessive, often hysterical interest that only girls have, despite the fact that men engage in it just as much, through different, more socially accepted avenues, like sports.
There are memes, for example, making fun of girls sobbing at concerts, while it’s somehow perfectly okay for men to riot after their sports team loses—which has led to violence on more than one occasion.
The parasocial relationship conversation also typically lacks nuance and ignores the ways that these dynamics are not inherently bad, and are sometimes even beneficial.
Parasocial relationships can:
Help those with low self-esteem feel more confident and closer to their ideal self
Help young people form an identity and develop autonomy
Provide a sense of comfort and escapism for someone going through a difficult time
I imagine all of these have played a role for me at some point, but the last one sticks out for me most. I grew up in an abusive, volatile home, was prone to major depression and suicidal ideation, and was left to my own devices when it came to figuring out how to self-soothe. I hyperfixated on fictional characters in television, books, and movies—first through large TV sitcom families I wanted to be part of (e.g., Full House, Growing Pains, Boy Meets World), and later in my teens through fictional romantic relationships.
My parasocial relationships tend to be twofold: I glom onto one specific fictional character/their onscreen life and the actress who portrays her:
Olivia Benson / Mariska Hargitay
Kate Beckett / Stana Katic
Elizabeth McCord / Téa Leoni
Fran Fine / Fran Drescher
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With the exception of the twins—and Fran Drescher, another obsession from my pre-teen years—nearly all of my parasocial relationships have been with strong, fearless, and maternal fictional characters trying to overcome severe trauma, usually while also navigating the waters of what it means to be in a healthy romantic relationship.
I both heavily identified with them and their journeys with trauma while also finding comfort in their protective maternal instincts. (The fact that I’m a gay woman definitely adds another layer in there, too.)
I recognize the ways parasocial relationships have helped me while acknowledging the ways they’ve harmed me (or the ways in which I’ve allowed them to harm me, however you see it). I tend to make them my autistic special interest, which means I sometimes spend all of my free time engaging with fandom—rewatching my characters on TV, reading fanfiction, scrolling fandom Twitter for updates. None of which are inherently bad, but when your good mood hinges on those activities, it’s probably time to reevaluate.
I have enough perspective to see that (usually) when I’m deep in that headspace, there’s something else going on. Maybe I’m dysregulated, in the middle of a depressive episode, stressed about life changes—any number of things. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I will quit what I’m doing, but I’m able to step back and give myself grace for allowing my parasocial relationships to consume me while working with my therapist to sneak in some other coping skills.
(On the occasion that I still beat myself up for these coping methods, my therapist points that there are many other harmful ways I could be dealing—and have dealt with—stressors in the past, and that I should allow myself to participate in them without the added layer of shame on top of everything else.)
Then there’s another negative side of parasocial dynamics, of putting celebrities on pedestals they don’t deserve to be on, something I’ve been guilty of many times throughout my life. Thankfully, every so often the universe sees fit to send me a reminder that celebrities are rich people who are human beings that will often disappoint you.
I need these reminders less and less these days, as the wealth gap increases and those I once considered my idols remain silent on deeply important world issues, like genocide.
I’m grateful for the reminders and the perspective, while I make peace with the fact that parasocial relationships will likely always be part of my life to some degree.
They’re how I learned to cope with an uncertain world as a child—a world that grows more uncertain every day.
‘Til next time,
Liv
P.S. - For some fun nostalgia, I created a YouTube playlist of my favorite Mary-Kate and Ashley songs. You can find it here.
It's a lifeline for me too but the problem for me is that I've used this as an escapism and I don't want to let go.
No because you GET it!!! The way I used hyper fixation to self numb through hard times!!